Rules and expectations are common in many households, but their effects on the trust between guardians and their children often vary. While certain households prefer stricter rules and disciplinary actions, others maintain a more relaxed and communicative strategy. In both situations, trust and family dynamics depend significantly on finding a balance between expectations and transparency.

According to Pregnancy Birth and Baby, “Some cultures expect children to be quiet and always respect their elders. Other cultures encourage children to speak up and ask for what they want.”

Parenting styles often reflect the background or upbringing of the parent themselves. According to the same article, if a parent was brought up with ideologies of always being respectful and never talking back, they might teach their children to act the same way.

According to an article by Raising Children Network, it’s important to give your child a chance to explain their behavior, and talk about other options before they lose a privilege.

Instead of first acting out by declining privileges, professionals believe that the best way to resolve an issue is by talking it out. Acting primarily based on emotion in the moment is not likely to make a child want to disclose information, but rather make them more reluctant to open up. A report from the Counseling Services for Wellbeing explains that a useful tactic is to discuss what the cause or motive of the child’s actions was.

“When you do it once, it’s a mistake. But if you do it again, then it’s a choice you’re making” mother and math teacher Sandhya Shah said. “I would hope that I’m doing better to not have her hide it. I think somewhere the responsibility is also mine. If she’s hiding things from me, she obviously thinks that I’m not going to be able to understand.”

The responsibility is not just from the child to obey their rules but also partially on the parents. The goal is to have both sides listen to each other. According to an article from the Child Mind Institute, talking through things is much more efficient than taking emotion based actions such as yelling. This might be triggered based on emotion and defeat the purpose of the message, escalating the situation.

“I would ask [my daughter] what I need to change in my perspective. Same way I would tell her what I need for her to change, for it to not happen again in the future,” Shah said.

Children may decide to talk to their parents about rules or expectations they don’t have a middle ground on as a way to settle things and have both sides come to an agreement. However, sometimes the conversation may not be as effective as either party hoped for, as noticed by senior LJ Cerrato.

“[My parents] have said that ‘If you have a problem with something then we can just talk about it,’ but then that never actually happens,” Cerrato said. “So I feel like they would [listen] but then [the behavior] never changes.”

However, though the decision may not be what the child wanted, in cases where safety is at stake, communicating is especially important. Shah believes that parents don’t always set rules just for the sake of discipline. If they know that their child is not capable of handling independence and making decisions for themselves in beneficial ways, then they set rules and expectations as a way of guidance.

“While we are still in the same house, [my daughter is] in a relatively safe place,” Shah said. “I want her to make all the mistakes that she can make so that she’s not in an unsafe place trying everything for the first time.”

Most parents have in mind how they are going to guide their kid to do what is most beneficial. Shah and Bailey have noticed that conversation could get lost in between, and a single conversation can’t fix everything between the parent and the child’s distance in emotion and understanding. Both sides have to be willing to make an effort to be more engaged and willing to listen to one another.

“Parents are going to want to know what’s happening in their children’s lives,” mother and science teacher Elisheva Bailey said. “Especially teenagers are not going to want to divulge everything. You have to be able as a parent to accept the answer…if you’re constantly on them about stuff, that’s gonna cause a divide.”

Bailey has noticed that the pressure of consistent questioning can make the child unwilling to share. It may be easier for a child to express their emotions or talk about their life on their own time. It’s usually more common for kids to share information with their friends before going to their parents, especially in situations where they feel if they told their parents, they would get in trouble.

Finding a middle ground and being able to compromise on certain rules that are set in the house could be one way parents can grow the trust their children feel for them, while also making sure to not just fully erase rules.

“[My daughter] wanted to go to a party, and the party only started at 10. I had to move the curfew, because if the party starts at 10, I cannot have a curfew at 10:30,” Shah said.

Setting rules may at first seem like a restriction from the kid’s enjoyment but most of the time it’s centered around wanting to ensure their safety. Changing and compromising little things such as extending curfews with a reasonable amount of leniency allowed Shah and her daughter to come to an agreement, as long as it was rational and appropriate.

A strong child-parent bond requires finding the right balance between emotional openness and firm boundaries. While parents may develop trust from safeguarding the privacy of their kids and enabling open sharing, kids learn from knowing the standards and responsibilities established by their parents. Most of all, the relationship openness and discipline between parents and children is reciprocal. When both sides communicate thoughtfully and truthfully, the circle of trust builds.